7 Year Anniversary.

Today is the 7 year anniversary of Dennis's death. Funny thing how time passes so quickly. Yesterday would have been our 28th wedding anniversary. You know, of all the memories I have of him, the last thing I remember always is how he looked the moment he died. I couldn't believe it. But it sent me on a search of spirituality. This just couldn't be all there is. He had to go somewhere and so it began. In my search, I learned a lot of new beliefs that rang true for me. In "my" spirituality, I follow what rings true in my heart. I keep my mind open. Yes, I was raised and rooted in Catholicism, some of those beliefs I still have today, but most I don't. It's a very personal matter to me, but gives me much comfort and strength to go on with this weak body and the poisons they give me every 3 weeks. Cancer is an old disease and I find it odd that they have reached no cure. Hopefully, they will in the future so my children don't have to suffer this humility stealing crippler.

We are trying to corner the dr. in telling us the REAL prognosis and my true stageing. I believe I am in stage 3b. As far as I have been told, it has not spread to my lymph glands. I have two treatments to go: one next week and then the last one, for now. I have to have a plan, something to look forward to, whether it is life or death. I don't want to endure any more chemo treatments if possible. They rob me of life, energy, and dignity. I would rather have the truth - if it is negative, tell me. Then I can plan. Faith in God's plan is what keeps me going. Sure, it would be easy to end it now, I have plenty of pills that can do that. But what keeps me from that is Curiosity. I am curious to see what happens, like an unending soap opera. Sure, I am afraid of the pain, I have been through so much of it and still am dealing with it. But most of the pain is not from the chemo or cancer, it is from diabetic neoropathy, of which there is no cure, the Neulasta shots that stimulates white cell production so I don't get infections. This shot (in the stomach) literally makes my bones feel like they will shatter when I walk. Not much pain relief from that either. Loss of balance, motor skills - I am not incapacitated yet, but I'm sure it will come eventually. My mind is still very sharp, but I forget simple things, like where I put something, or if I did something. Makes me nuts, not to mention Sandie. My daughters call me several times a week which is a blessing to me. Everyone gets busy with life and things are forgotten. I don't like visitors much because I don't like folks to see me in my present condition. I was very independent, worked all my life and even found a second career I loved. I am angry that it was taken from me. At my job, I was happy, useful and loved. And I loved it. Now it's gone. Oh they keep asking me when I am coming back, and I truely don't think I can. I was a professional pet stylist, was good at it and loved it. I don't think I can trust myself handling other folks "babies", for fear of hurting them. But, I am dealing with that too. I hate to visit there because I get right back into it again, giving pointers, visiting my old clients pets and happy when they recognize me with their eyes and wagging tails. I am still sharp in my head and that is the problem. My mind tells me to get out and do something; cut the grass, pick stalls, anything, but my body says "no way!". You stupid woman - we as a body can't do that anymore. And yes, when I try, I realize that I don't have the strength or I pay for it for 3 days later. So I am on the computer alot, researching, playing games, reading, whatever. I still do limited web page design for a major client and it brings in a little extra each month, but that money goes for prescriptions that I can't afford. I go down to the barn to visit my horses and my new filly when I feel I can walk down there and back. But I know that my filly will need training, but can I give it to her? Happily, she is laid back, very affectionate and gentle, but for how long? I remember training those babies, it takes physical strength. We will have another new baby next year. My mare's current two year old filly is in professional Western Pleasure training. The trainer calls her awesome, she will go to the top. I am excited about that. And we have the gene pool here, her mama and papa. The ONLY gene pool. I look forward to her progress.

Anyways, I have babbled enough. I am looking forward to my last chemo treatment and the truth from the doctors...so I can plan...